Now is the summer of my discontent, made less glorious by this sun of York...

The heat! My God, the heat!

Baby, it's hot outside and I'm feeling queazy. No, not from the heat, but from the painful sights I've had to endure by poorly dressed people. Yes, it's warm and yes it's humid and we're all suffering for it. But do we have to suffer even more by looking at mass amounts of cleavage and ass?

I don't care how hot it is, there's no need to dress like a skank (male or female) and burn a hole in my retinas in the process. So, in an effort to do my best for the greater good, here is a list of how not to dress no matter the temperature.

WOMEN

- If I can see your cheeks, they're too short. Find bottoms that fit OVER your bottom. Whether your buns are like steel or are dimpled like jelly, this is real life and not a Snoop Dog video, I don't want to see your booty.

- Dress appropriately for work. Even if you have a casual workplace, what you wear on the weekend isn't necessarily proper work attire. Remember: you want to be a PROfessional, not a HOfessional.

- If I can see the muffin top, your pants don't fit. And what's with the fatties in lowrise? Hello! It's OK to be a little overweight, but sometimes you can't squeeze all the cheese back in the tube. I don't need to see the excess oozing overtop. Wear clothes that fit, and that fit above the flab.

- if it looks like you've sprouted a baby's ass on your chest, you're showing WAY too much cleavage. And honey, don't worry, if they're big enough to look like ass, they're big enough to be noticed under a shirt that isn't from the tween deptartment.

- If you're bigger than a B cup, skip the spaghetti straps. Oh honey, do your boobs hang low? Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow? Can you throw 'em over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low? Don't let them swing low sweet chariot. Enrol the girls in a 12 step program and give them the support they need.

- I fully admit that I have ugly feet. However, your toes should not hang over the front of your shoes, nor should the heel hang over the back of the shoes. Act your age and get your shoe size mama! Also, let's try to baby our feet and buff and moisturize once in awhile. This goes for the men too. Gross, callused feet are just icky.

MEN

- see note above about being bigger than a B cup - insert "please wear a shirt" in place of "spaghetti straps". Same rule applies if your back or chest look like a Brillo pad.

- Don't wear shorts so high or so tight that we can see your b'niz. Your bits are your bits. Let's keep the mystery alive, shall we?

- Don't wear shorts and boxers so loose that we can see your b'niz. We want to see no wiggling or bulges of any kind. And please be sure to wear underwear and keep the mouse in the house.

- Never, under any circumstance, do you wear socks with sandals. We all get sweaty feet. Deal with it.

- Unless you're a competitive swimmer, and perhaps not even then, never, EVER wear a Speedo.

- Keep the shirt on, Tarzan. Women don't go whipping their shirts off when it gets hot (though you may prefer it if we did.) There's something to be said for modesty. Try it. You'll like it.

Now, go forth and dress with a little class. Not with a lot o' ass.