It's that time of year again, when school bells are ringing...

...and my neighbourhood is splattered with the barf of many a weak-stomached frosh. Sigh...

As much as their spew grosses me out (on the sidewalk outside my house, on the road around the corner, in the shelter for the streetcar) I do actually sympathize. I, too, was once a weak-bellied frosh. Now, I'm a weak-bellied adult. Why must alcohol make us ill? There are so many other bad things for us out there that SHOULD make us ill - tobacco, hot dogs, pork rinds, haggis - why is it that alcohol is so hard to stomach? Oh, what a cruel, cruel earth.

So to my student neighbours, I say go forth and enjoy, but please spill your guts in someone else's neighbourhood. I don't need to know that you don't chew your mushrooms.

Top Ten Euphemisms for Death...

10. Kicked the chum bucket.
9. Bought the tobacco farm.
8. Gone to visit Yankee Stadium.
7. Riding the Dickie Dee bike to the sky.
6. Finally free of that *&#! Marineland song.
5. Called up by the Jays.
4. He can't has cheezburger.
3. Charming 'em like Harper.
2. Flying Zoom.
1. He chose Palin.

Mid-year wrap up...

I haven't blogged for several months so I thought I'd kick off my return with a mid-year wrap-up. And yes, I do know that August is a little past the mid-year mark. Thank you.

Jan - Aug 2008

Dents on my car from the Great Grimsby Hail Storm of '08: 1 million (approximate)
Scratches added to car by Bianchi Bros (the guys "fixing" my car): 4
Times I'll visit Bianchi Bros in the future: 0
Months spent looking for a house: 7
Months until I move into new house: 1 (woohoo!)
Time spent at other people's homes catching up on sleep I can't get at my current house: 1 month
Immediate neighbours I'll miss when I move: 0
Times I've seen my very fat, very hairy neighbour wear a shirt: 1
Torontonians who've responded "Dundas and what?" when I tell them I'm moving to Dundas: 1 million (approximate)
Times I've turned on my air conditioner this summer: 10
Times I turned on my air conditioner last summer: 60 (or thereabouts)
Average age of people helping me paint my new house: 73 (yeah, I do feel a bit guilty about that)
Number of times I've cursed at myself for swearing: too many *@&! times to count
Number of softball injuries: 0 (woohoo! a new record!)
Times I've heard the phrase "these days..." in radio promos: 1 million (approximate)
Days of vacation taken: 4
Days of vacation taken by my boss: 48
Days I've truly enjoyed at work: 48
Years I've thought about going to The Ex: 34
Years I've actually gone to The Ex: 0
Number of dead plants: 1, but is bamboo really a plant?
Pairs of shoes purchased: 8
Days left to pack entire shoe collection: 35

The Gap - Seeing(RED)

I'm going to be completely upfront and admit that, like millions of others, buy a lot of my clothes at The Gap. Yeah, that's right, I have no conscience. I also happen to be tall and have what Jane Farrow once referred to as "abnormally long legs," so, I shop at one of the few stores that make pants that fit me.

Anyway, I have a sneaking suspicion that the Chinese children, I mean well-paid labourers, making my jeans are being influenced by the church. My jeans are showing more and more signs of Papal intervention. There are so many buttons and clasps these days that wearing Gap pants is like wearing a chastity belt.

For example, the other day at work I went to the loo and two other women followed close after. They both beat me out of the loo, NOT because they finished first, but because it took me so bloody long to do my pants up again. My jeans had a great big button, a little buttonhole, two clasps, a zipper and then my belt. What is the need for so many buttons and clasps? Not to mention the tab fronts that go across and under the belt loop, and thus under the belt. Those pants are a bugger. If they included fastening Gap pants in military training, Al Qaeda and the Taliban could be defeated by now.

Fall into The Gap? Fall into a day of abstinence is more like it.

Wrap-up of 2007...

Broken bones: 1
Number of tree limbs on my car: 1 (with 2 close calls)
Countries visited: 5
Documentaries made: 0 (doh!)
Final Cafe editions recorded: 4
Number of times my fridge died: 3
Amount my landlord spent fixing 30 year-old fridge: $1000
Amount my landlord finally spent on a new fridge: $600
Pairs of socks purchased: 10
Pairs of shoes purchased: 8
Number of friends who had babies: 4
Times I've said "awesome" since working with Dan Misener: 5 million (approximate)

I'm back, with my favourite ad slogan o' the year (but not really...)

Use your period for good. And, so you don't have to go back and read that again, I'll retype it: use your period for good.

USE YOUR PERIOD FOR GOOD. What the? I'm sorry, have I been using my period for evil all these years?

With all due respect to my Proctor and Gamble-employed friends, this is one of the dumbest slogans I've ever heard. It's in the new Always and Tampax ads. You know, the ones that feature the poor South African girl who can't go to school because she has her period. While I feel for the girls who live through this unfortunate situation, and while I can appreciate the attempt to share the plight of these girls, the effort by P&G is downright offensive. Not to mention lame. Who would ever say "use your period for good?" Good God.

I know they're not always fun (no pun intended) but aren't periods and the subsequent ability to create life good things? Isn't giving birth a good thing? Because if they're not, the I mightn't bother with them anymore.

And, um, folks at P&G, just so you know, these women have had to endure missing school and much worse, and they've had to endure it for generation after generation. I'm glad you're finally interested. Oh, and incidentally, the problem goes well beyond having a period and no product. Perhaps when you have a product affected by female circumcision, you'll take notice of that issue too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to plan a way to use my period for good. I wonder if it will be better if I wear a cape?

"Look Daddy! Teacher says, "every time P&G thinks, a pad gets its wings!"" - Zuzu